cheap Balmain

i would die for Balmain. but i got dirt cheap lookalikes. so i'm not ready to die just yet.

giggle bear

mt lion

i just watched on tlc a thing about a woman who got attacked by a mountain lion but survived and at the end they were showing her saying "i have a purpose in life and now i get that it's not about just what you look like and how you dress and whatnot on the outside"
....
then i thought i was gonna cry bc her face changed permanently and because i also thought that that is what is going to happen to me/what i would deserve at this point
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Half-swimming

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about me and boys

wanna know what i'm never gonna do anymore? like actually never gonna do it?

okay well i am never gonna do that STUPID fucking girl thing called game playing/overanalyzing w boys! i'm gonna BE myself. i'm gonna text them back right when they text me, even if my friends are telling me to play hard to get. if i want to call or text or message or any of that shit i'm gonna do it and not ask any of my friends first. i'm not gonna ask my friends what they think about my phrasing of that text or message, and if i do, it won't change whether or not i send it etc. i'm not gonna beat myself up for occasionally having some stage 5 clinger tendencies. i'm not gonna hold it against myself that i made the effort or put myself out there or got rejected or played or ignored or ANYTHING. I DON'T CARE. i'm not looking for anyone or anything right now except a happy life and career for myself. the only game i play in love is the self-respect game, and the high-risk taking game! if i get brutally shutdown or if i end up alone for the rest of my life, so be it, cause it is what it is and game playing is torture.

still unemployed

well i am still unemployed unless daddys bitchwork counts...

but why would i be sad?! i have really nice and concerned ex "boyfriends" who make great suggestions for me!

"well since your all horny and sexual (based off all your shit that comes on my news feed) you should go into some porn
i heard they pay well"

"what the fuck are you doing in hermosa
chasing cock?"

i like to put people on blast on my blog

alright here it is.

the reason i am like this, for people who wondered how this abomination of a person even happens, i can finally explain in one story.

so i have to work as my dad's bitch because no one else will hire me - as i'm sure everyone knows or assumed. one of my tasks is to print out letters he dictates and today, a "personal letter from Dr. Sokolov" kind of really ruined me (at first....but then made things in my life all the more clear). it was a thank-you letter my dad wrote to my mom's parents for letting them (my parents) stay in their (my grandparents') santa barbara place for the big 25 year anniversary. it is passages like this that have shaped my life as lauren kay so:

"and every night culminated in a rejoice in the jacuzzi or shower"..........

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!