girls and why they fuck w they headz

i have the best therapist in the world!!!!!! her name is joan and ill kill you if you steal her from me. but okay in reality she's the best thing that ever happened to me.

today we talked about a really bad nightmare i had last night (i have the realest, most traumatic nightmares when i don't smoke marijuana) which involved me taking my dog to coachella and losing her!!!!!!!!!!!! my poor baby defenseless little dogdog girl :( when i woke up i searched for her frantically to make sure she was alive and able to cuddle. she was.

joan said that dreams about losing a little animal has more to do w a fear of losing yourself/ your inner child. she's so fucking smart. like......jeopardy smart. i hate that therapists have to have a completely professional relationship w their clients cause i wanna hang out w her.

we were talking about jobs cause i need one and she said her first job was when she was 14 and had to do like stupid modeling in the window at jc penney hahahahaha and then she was joking that she should do that for old ladies on saturdays as a part time job. i said i would totally come visit and she said that's exactly why she WOULDN'T do it. i was like "jooooaannnnn i would like invite you to my WEDDING!!" which i am completely serious about STILL. my mom said it's okay and that her patients invite her to their weddings so i hope joan comes to mine if i ever have one!!

by the way i NEVER proofread/edit anything i write (never did in school either) bc i feel that it is more honest that way. can't cha tell?!?!

me: "do you think Joan would hang out with me if it were legal?"
my mom: "stop trying to make her be friends with you"
me: "but she's the only person who says nice things to me"
my mom: "but then she wouldn't be your therapist anymore, she'd just be your friend and get emotionally invested."
me: "she already IS emotionally invested. she said she would be very sad if i died or went to jail."

the truth: i am a social outcast

well well well i am in a really bad mood bc let's be honest, i am a huge outcast of society and have been for my whole entire life and it sucks. and when people try to bring me out of it, i decline because i have really bad social anxiety. i self sabotage the shit out of ...myself. and when i accept invitations, i get crippling anxiety the whole day (or more) in anticipation, and i end up doing bad things like getting too drunk because i never feel like i fit in anywhere. or i get invited out only for superficial reasons. or people try to put pressure on me to do something. i used to be a huge pushover from like age 14-20 and at least i have overcome that and done like a complete 180. but i still hate that i have to REMIND myself to think "am i doing this because i want to or because i'm just making things easier for someone ELSE?" Like i always say, whenever i am about to get pushed over, i just think "what would LARRY do?" and he would say "NO THIS IS BULLSHIT."

random thought: I HATE HOW PEOPLE ONLY TALK TO ME WHEN THEY ARE BORED AND NEED TO PASS THE TIME.

i am in a really disappointed mood right now and depressed as per usual the last week or so. i wish i had a boyfriend and i only say that bc i want someone to make me a priority to talk to. everyone else just sees me as a go-to when they are bored or not with their significant others or because they need something from me or want my advice (that they are only half listening to anyway.)

i feel so bitter and pessimistic right now and alone and i hate that tomorrow i will wake up and still not have a job or do anything with my worthless life, and will do nothing about it because i can't seem to shake my addiction to punishing myself.

my therapist said i have anhedonia, which is the complete opposite of hedonism: i.e., i find pleasure in....NOTHING. good call joan, spot on. i hate books i hate movies i hate everything i try, EVERYTHING bores me after like 2 minutes, i have no hobbies, i pretend things are going to change but they don't. and it's entirely my fault bc i am the only person who can change my life, but i'm too apathetic and masochistic to do it.

i hate how i think everyone judges me for what i say and do and write, that they think im weak bc of how self-deprecating i am, and worst of all, that i even care what they think. maybe i'll read this all tomorrow and cringe at how scary i am when i get to these severely low points. maybe i'll get really fucking embarrassed by my dramatic ways and the public route i took to express it, but at least i know i'm fucking brave and ballsy and if i didn't have that then i wouldn't have ANYTHING.