the truth: i am a social outcast

well well well i am in a really bad mood bc let's be honest, i am a huge outcast of society and have been for my whole entire life and it sucks. and when people try to bring me out of it, i decline because i have really bad social anxiety. i self sabotage the shit out of ...myself. and when i accept invitations, i get crippling anxiety the whole day (or more) in anticipation, and i end up doing bad things like getting too drunk because i never feel like i fit in anywhere. or i get invited out only for superficial reasons. or people try to put pressure on me to do something. i used to be a huge pushover from like age 14-20 and at least i have overcome that and done like a complete 180. but i still hate that i have to REMIND myself to think "am i doing this because i want to or because i'm just making things easier for someone ELSE?" Like i always say, whenever i am about to get pushed over, i just think "what would LARRY do?" and he would say "NO THIS IS BULLSHIT."

random thought: I HATE HOW PEOPLE ONLY TALK TO ME WHEN THEY ARE BORED AND NEED TO PASS THE TIME.

i am in a really disappointed mood right now and depressed as per usual the last week or so. i wish i had a boyfriend and i only say that bc i want someone to make me a priority to talk to. everyone else just sees me as a go-to when they are bored or not with their significant others or because they need something from me or want my advice (that they are only half listening to anyway.)

i feel so bitter and pessimistic right now and alone and i hate that tomorrow i will wake up and still not have a job or do anything with my worthless life, and will do nothing about it because i can't seem to shake my addiction to punishing myself.

my therapist said i have anhedonia, which is the complete opposite of hedonism: i.e., i find pleasure in....NOTHING. good call joan, spot on. i hate books i hate movies i hate everything i try, EVERYTHING bores me after like 2 minutes, i have no hobbies, i pretend things are going to change but they don't. and it's entirely my fault bc i am the only person who can change my life, but i'm too apathetic and masochistic to do it.

i hate how i think everyone judges me for what i say and do and write, that they think im weak bc of how self-deprecating i am, and worst of all, that i even care what they think. maybe i'll read this all tomorrow and cringe at how scary i am when i get to these severely low points. maybe i'll get really fucking embarrassed by my dramatic ways and the public route i took to express it, but at least i know i'm fucking brave and ballsy and if i didn't have that then i wouldn't have ANYTHING.

some one said they love me cause im crazy and strong

you know how i know i'm schizophrenic ? because last night a really sharp-looking clothes hanger was hanging on my bed post and i had so much anxiety about sleeping w it so near to me that i HAD to hide it deep in the closet. just in case some one broke in and found the hanger and stuck it in my eye. i hate sharp things and eyes.....or bugs and eyes....just anything and eyes. mascara is dangerous and i push my luck every time i use it but i just keep coming back for more