well well well i am in a really bad mood bc let's be honest, i am a huge outcast of society and have been for my whole entire life and it sucks. and when people try to bring me out of it, i decline because i have really bad social anxiety. i self sabotage the shit out of ...myself. and when i accept invitations, i get crippling anxiety the whole day (or more) in anticipation, and i end up doing bad things like getting too drunk because i never feel like i fit in anywhere. or i get invited out only for superficial reasons. or people try to put pressure on me to do something. i used to be a huge pushover from like age 14-20 and at least i have overcome that and done like a complete 180. but i still hate that i have to REMIND myself to think "am i doing this because i want to or because i'm just making things easier for someone ELSE?" Like i always say, whenever i am about to get pushed over, i just think "what would LARRY do?" and he would say "NO THIS IS BULLSHIT."
random thought: I HATE HOW PEOPLE ONLY TALK TO ME WHEN THEY ARE BORED AND NEED TO PASS THE TIME.
i am in a really disappointed mood right now and depressed as per usual the last week or so. i wish i had a boyfriend and i only say that bc i want someone to make me a priority to talk to. everyone else just sees me as a go-to when they are bored or not with their significant others or because they need something from me or want my advice (that they are only half listening to anyway.)
i feel so bitter and pessimistic right now and alone and i hate that tomorrow i will wake up and still not have a job or do anything with my worthless life, and will do nothing about it because i can't seem to shake my addiction to punishing myself.
my therapist said i have anhedonia, which is the complete opposite of hedonism: i.e., i find pleasure in....NOTHING. good call joan, spot on. i hate books i hate movies i hate everything i try, EVERYTHING bores me after like 2 minutes, i have no hobbies, i pretend things are going to change but they don't. and it's entirely my fault bc i am the only person who can change my life, but i'm too apathetic and masochistic to do it.
i hate how i think everyone judges me for what i say and do and write, that they think im weak bc of how self-deprecating i am, and worst of all, that i even care what they think. maybe i'll read this all tomorrow and cringe at how scary i am when i get to these severely low points. maybe i'll get really fucking embarrassed by my dramatic ways and the public route i took to express it, but at least i know i'm fucking brave and ballsy and if i didn't have that then i wouldn't have ANYTHING.
Showing posts with label on some real shit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label on some real shit. Show all posts
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
ready to talk about zoe
my best friend in the world since i was 5 years old, Zoe Liana Proser, was viciously assaulted one week ago last saturday night (july 17 2010). many of you have been seeking the full story, and after a week of keeping a low profile i am coming forward with the details.
so after a long night we were chillen at brandon's house and preparing to go home around 3 am. brandon and i were going to go in zoe's car back to her house, and danielle was leaving to go back to silverlake. brandon danielle and zo were outside on the sidewalk as i pulled some last minute shennanigans and goodbyes in the house. i heard their laughter outside and zoe say "lauren! i'm not waiting for you!" so i began to make a departure when i heard crazy yelling mixed into the banter outside.
as i opened the door to see what was going on, i saw a girl running towards my friends on the sidewalk and tried to recognize her, but could not. her arms were outstretched forward, her hands positioned like claws in front of her as she tore down the street in the direction of my friends. when i was unable to identify this person, i then assumed it was a crazy schizophrenic bum or something of the like. to my great shock and horror, she ended up charging right into zoe and tackling her to the ground. it all happened so fast and i was STILL assuming this had to be some sort of mistake.
worse yet, the girl began to attack zoe brutally on the ground, grabbing her by the head and slamming it into the pavement (not even the grass - the fucking pavement) repeatedly around 3 or 4 times. she pulled strands of zoe's hair straight out of her scalp and would not stop until brandon was able to break up the attack and remove the bitch.
at this point, the girl (who most probably was under the influence of a range of substances, combined with a series of natural mental illnesses i'm sure) was hysterical and claiming she thought zoe was someone else. the girl rambled on about having just gotten married the previous day, and thought zoe was someone she suspected was cheating with her new husband.
no part of that explanation excuses SHIT, and attacking ANYONE like that no matter what they have done has no justification. even worse when the recipient of a malicious attack is an innocent bystander.
as we followed the attacker to find out who the hell she was (and how we could get her behind bars) she was met by a woman claiming to be her grandmother. the grandmother protected her and guided her back to their apartment, which was only 3 doors down across the street from brandon. the grandmother was a remorseless nasty wench who told US to "fuck off" and defensively challenged our threats to call the police by yelling "ok CALL the cops, SEE what the fuck happens," and went back to hide herself and her granddaughter in their apartment.
when the cops arrived they had the paramedics come to make sure zoe was alright, and she was, fortunately, and did not suffer a concussion or anything else too serious. but the cops were not of much help in that they merely knocked on the door of the attacker and her grandmother, who were obviously inside the apartment but were hiding and ignoring the police. the cops informed us that they can't go inside if there is no warrant out or if no one voluntarily opens the door, which was infuriating. i think they could have at least slipped SOMETHING underneath the door, or surrounded the building until they came out since obviously they would have to come out eventually.
but they didn't. the cops collected our statements and i am a witness who saw it with my own eyes, (along with brandon and danielle) and i will absolutely testify in court once we are able to press charges.
the only information we have is:
- the address of where the attacker's grandmother lives (the attacker herself occasionally lives there, but comes and goes as she shadily pleases)
- the girl incoherently told me her name was something along the lines of Anastasia (which she pronounced "na-sta-cia" or something like that)
- anastasia and her grandmother are affiliated with the russian mafia and do shady things like change their names, pay their rent up front in cash every month, and the grandmother actually witnessed her own husband get bludgeoned to death by the mob many years ago (source: the building landlord)
and a few other vague things that you may ask me about if you wish.
i cannot stop thinking about the "what-if.......?" 's in this scenario, though i shouldn't because they will only drive a person crazy. but what if the girl had a weapon or a bottle on her? what if she attacked someone who was alone? all of these things are too terrible and horrifying to contemplate and the best i can do is be grateful that my best friend was not killed or seriously injured.
the world is a sick place. we are naturally trusting as humans. no one would or should expect a person they have never met before to come charging at them and attack them, especially unprovoked. but it happens. and it damages all of us. i feel like i aged 20 years right then and there and within the last week (2 weeks really, due to an experience i had the previous weekend). if anything, i have developed even more perspective on the world and what the fuck actually matters in life - and in re. many people my age, i just want to shake them and scream in their face that it's NOT about a fucking high school popularity contest. we may be young in the grand scheme, but we are at least old enough to stop wasting our energy harping on drama and hating on people.
so if you want to talk to me about why you hate me or my friends, why you don't want me to be invited somewhere, why i didn't go to this or that party, etc etc etc, just re-focus on the fact that you are lucky to be alive and you could be dead or in jail or without your lifelong best friend/family member. i could have been.
so after a long night we were chillen at brandon's house and preparing to go home around 3 am. brandon and i were going to go in zoe's car back to her house, and danielle was leaving to go back to silverlake. brandon danielle and zo were outside on the sidewalk as i pulled some last minute shennanigans and goodbyes in the house. i heard their laughter outside and zoe say "lauren! i'm not waiting for you!" so i began to make a departure when i heard crazy yelling mixed into the banter outside.
as i opened the door to see what was going on, i saw a girl running towards my friends on the sidewalk and tried to recognize her, but could not. her arms were outstretched forward, her hands positioned like claws in front of her as she tore down the street in the direction of my friends. when i was unable to identify this person, i then assumed it was a crazy schizophrenic bum or something of the like. to my great shock and horror, she ended up charging right into zoe and tackling her to the ground. it all happened so fast and i was STILL assuming this had to be some sort of mistake.
worse yet, the girl began to attack zoe brutally on the ground, grabbing her by the head and slamming it into the pavement (not even the grass - the fucking pavement) repeatedly around 3 or 4 times. she pulled strands of zoe's hair straight out of her scalp and would not stop until brandon was able to break up the attack and remove the bitch.
at this point, the girl (who most probably was under the influence of a range of substances, combined with a series of natural mental illnesses i'm sure) was hysterical and claiming she thought zoe was someone else. the girl rambled on about having just gotten married the previous day, and thought zoe was someone she suspected was cheating with her new husband.
no part of that explanation excuses SHIT, and attacking ANYONE like that no matter what they have done has no justification. even worse when the recipient of a malicious attack is an innocent bystander.
as we followed the attacker to find out who the hell she was (and how we could get her behind bars) she was met by a woman claiming to be her grandmother. the grandmother protected her and guided her back to their apartment, which was only 3 doors down across the street from brandon. the grandmother was a remorseless nasty wench who told US to "fuck off" and defensively challenged our threats to call the police by yelling "ok CALL the cops, SEE what the fuck happens," and went back to hide herself and her granddaughter in their apartment.
when the cops arrived they had the paramedics come to make sure zoe was alright, and she was, fortunately, and did not suffer a concussion or anything else too serious. but the cops were not of much help in that they merely knocked on the door of the attacker and her grandmother, who were obviously inside the apartment but were hiding and ignoring the police. the cops informed us that they can't go inside if there is no warrant out or if no one voluntarily opens the door, which was infuriating. i think they could have at least slipped SOMETHING underneath the door, or surrounded the building until they came out since obviously they would have to come out eventually.
but they didn't. the cops collected our statements and i am a witness who saw it with my own eyes, (along with brandon and danielle) and i will absolutely testify in court once we are able to press charges.
the only information we have is:
- the address of where the attacker's grandmother lives (the attacker herself occasionally lives there, but comes and goes as she shadily pleases)
- the girl incoherently told me her name was something along the lines of Anastasia (which she pronounced "na-sta-cia" or something like that)
- anastasia and her grandmother are affiliated with the russian mafia and do shady things like change their names, pay their rent up front in cash every month, and the grandmother actually witnessed her own husband get bludgeoned to death by the mob many years ago (source: the building landlord)
and a few other vague things that you may ask me about if you wish.
i cannot stop thinking about the "what-if.......?" 's in this scenario, though i shouldn't because they will only drive a person crazy. but what if the girl had a weapon or a bottle on her? what if she attacked someone who was alone? all of these things are too terrible and horrifying to contemplate and the best i can do is be grateful that my best friend was not killed or seriously injured.
the world is a sick place. we are naturally trusting as humans. no one would or should expect a person they have never met before to come charging at them and attack them, especially unprovoked. but it happens. and it damages all of us. i feel like i aged 20 years right then and there and within the last week (2 weeks really, due to an experience i had the previous weekend). if anything, i have developed even more perspective on the world and what the fuck actually matters in life - and in re. many people my age, i just want to shake them and scream in their face that it's NOT about a fucking high school popularity contest. we may be young in the grand scheme, but we are at least old enough to stop wasting our energy harping on drama and hating on people.
so if you want to talk to me about why you hate me or my friends, why you don't want me to be invited somewhere, why i didn't go to this or that party, etc etc etc, just re-focus on the fact that you are lucky to be alive and you could be dead or in jail or without your lifelong best friend/family member. i could have been.
Friday, July 23, 2010
i am always my most honest when i first wake up
i would probably admit to murder if i first woke up and you asked me enough.
i was just stalking some one who people think is cool but i honestly think it is all bc of this person's money......this person is very overweight and not typically attractive WHICH I AM NOT DISCRIMINATING AGAINST but i am just surprised they have won the respect of certain individuals who so harshly judge everyone else. not that my frame of reference is especially credible or even respectable anymore, but somehow these people have affected me and gotten under my skin. it's embarrassing to admit that but people should know and i should be honest w myself
i was just stalking some one who people think is cool but i honestly think it is all bc of this person's money......this person is very overweight and not typically attractive WHICH I AM NOT DISCRIMINATING AGAINST but i am just surprised they have won the respect of certain individuals who so harshly judge everyone else. not that my frame of reference is especially credible or even respectable anymore, but somehow these people have affected me and gotten under my skin. it's embarrassing to admit that but people should know and i should be honest w myself
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